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| Life is difficult.
The bane of consciousness is when you're aware and you know that you're spiraling down, while you want to continue running away, you know that you've to face it.
Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or to cry.
The intense moments get stronger.
I don't like conflicts.
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| Wow, just realised that I have not written anything in this xanga for the longest time ever. Perhaps I have not felt melancholic enough if there was such a word, to produce writings of prose and to express myself to the world around me. I do not even think that I had the time to sit down and be reflective of the things that have been happening. And unconsciously, I let these precious moments of time slip past me just like that, again.
How often have you allowed yourself to be lost in the drudgeries of life and forget to taste what life is about? When was the last time you smelled the fresh dew on the grass? Or savoured the sweetness of a red californian grape? When did you remind yourself of your own dreams and aspirations? I know for myself the truth. And the truth is that I have not been doing any of these things for the longest time ever.
Today I just had a realisation, so what if I have earned all the money that I wanted in this world, would it fulfill me? And it was at that moment that I become conscious again of how I let my mad pursuit of survival rob me of my sanity and conscious living of my life. No, I don't hate money, in fact I love what it can bring me. But I have to constantly remind myself that the procurement of money is not the end of it all, there is always something bigger, something greater that I am here to do.
Life is meant to be savoured and milked to its fullest, not to take it like a bullet train and rush to its destination. For the year 2009, I want change. Like what Obama has advocated - Change.
I want Life injected in everything I do, I want to stretch myself and achieve heights that I never thought I could. I want to create miraculous things such that when I reach the grand old age of 80, I can look back and tell myself, "Well done."
Let the blink of an eye, create magic for me, for you, for all of us.
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| So sweet and yet so painful.
Really opens up another aspect of you that you couldn't have done so alone.
Sometimes my heart bleeds or my eyes tear.
It brings up the best and the worst in you.
I realised that I haven't really, really gotten over that. Oh well.
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| I wonder if it was because I've been watching too much tv or I've been thinking too much but I had a weird dream.
I dreamed that it was armageddon, and that the world was in despair. It was going to be the end of the world and nobody could do anything about it. All that people could do was to run, to panic, to stare about aimlessly as they saw bits and pieces of the world die away slowly. Everytime the plague came to a city, people scrambled like crazy to fly to another place. They left their luggage, their belongings, their memories behind in order to move to a clean city and survive.
I was always the last person in each plagued city to leave because I needed to clear up my space, I needed to complete what I do before I could move on to the next. There was a scene where my dad was involved and I saw his unfulfilled dreams drift away along with him and it hurt me so much to see what has been happening.
The silence of each vacated city and squatter pierced through the night and sent shivers down my spine.
It wasn't the empty towns or dead cities that scared me, it was the extreme despair, fear and agony of every single person in the world that shot right through my spine. I was helpless, I couldn't do anything except run together with the remaining of the people and that core group just kept getting smaller.
And that was when I woke up.
I had goosebumps because I could see where the dream was coming from.
There was a certain reality in it that scares me.
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| Again.
Heh, I'm not perfect but I gotta watch out for this part of me.
Death Note movie does help tremendously.
I'm kinda overwhelmed by all the things that I need to do. Huat ah.
Deep realisation, I was humbled today again.
What brings out my character is when I am humble again.
Got it.
And I'm happy :)
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